I knew

I

I think in a way the signs were all there. You were drifting away and I knew it. I know that I knew it. But I don’t think I wanted to believe it so I brushed it off, and pretend like it wasn’t there but oh God it was all there.

Our conversations got shorter and shorter and shorter, and I tried, I tried to save it, tried to be more interesting, tried to have more to say but it was as if nothing I was enough. No amount of words could make you feel what you felt in the beginning.

Nothing I could say would bring us back to who we were. And I think in a way I knew that, I knew in your head we were already over and you were already past us, but in my head there was still something to save.

You were still there, we were still there and all I could do was remember the way you used to love at me and compare it to the way that you look at me now and all I can think is what changed? and I can’t get to the bottom of it.

I can’t understand how you can have so much love for someone one month and then have it all be gone the next. I don’t understand where it all went wrong and I can’t understand how 500 messages a day can turn into 5 messages a day all sent by me with your one and a half reply.

I don’t understand how a person can change their mind so quickly and I can’t help but tear myself apart over it.

I am going through my head and I am searching through our memories and picking out every single think I could of done wrong, and I can’t stop blaming myself. I can’t stop thinking maybe if I didn’t call that time, maybe if I hadn’t showed this much emotion so quick, maybe what I felt scared you, but oh God it scared me too. It all scared me so much and you knew that, you knew how much falling for me scared me and you told me it didn’t need to and so I’m sorry but it just doesn’t make any sense to me on why someone will give you everything and the second you start giving them everything back, they decide they don’t want you anymore. Why don’t you want me anymore?

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t think theres anything to save anymore, all we have is my hopeless conversation in trying to stir something up again and your love one worded replies that scribble “its not you anymore.”

And so I will sit here and I will torture myself by reading our old texts trying to figure out why we don’t talk like that anymore and Iw ill realize, you did care. It was there once. But it’s gone now, and it doesn’t want to come back.

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