One Year

O

June.

Think of me screaming from my rook and screaming into my pillow. Tears mixed with blood and empty pill packets litter the floor. The betrayal gnaws through my body, it leaves a hole in my chest.

July.

I am still on the roof but sitting quietly at 4am. Watching during oranges emerge from the blackness. I wish for my should to be able to do the same. But my sky is still grey and crying.

August.

Approximately 104 miles away from home. I walk through thick forest of sweet maple trees, humming the time to the new rock songs that I have discovers. Swimming in the clearest and coolest pools underneath waterfalls and dicing into ribbon lakes. I am beginning to notice how life can be beautiful. But it doesn’t stop me wishing for you on the shooting star that lace the skies here.

September.

I see your face again. When I get home I throw up and search for peace in the spaces between my veins. I awake to a crying mother and hospital lights.

October.

I catch you staring at me across the room. I want to smile back, I want this to be the moment I have rehearsed in my head for months. But I don’t. I can’t

November.

You flirt with her in front of me. You try to make me burn again, and I do. Not with sadness but with anger. I am beginning to despise who you are. Your arrogance and manipulative ways starts to appear in the old memories I hold. I am trying to control the hatred I feel underneath my skin but I don’t think I can stop my teeth from rattling.

December.

Brown eyes. Accidental touches from beautiful hands. I like his cigarette smell and the way he talks about his family. His smile makes a home in my brain and I am starting to feel something else. Faith.

January.

I look at my face in the mirror and trace the shape of my nose and eyes and lips. I stand there for a long time and smile. I no longer how who I am. I have created a new person that you have not touched and you do not know and you would not recognize. I have created a best friend within myself.

February.

The nights are still long and cold and lonely. I am still learning to deal with the dark. Sometimes your face creeps into my mind but it slowly transforms into him. I love the way the corners of his mouth raise up when I tell him a joke you never laughed at. The way he leans into whisper to me, my God I’m addicted to it.

March.

The weather is staring to change again and I watch bright yellow daffodils sprout up in my grander. My mother tell me they symbols rebirth. I sit by the window and draw them. I later hang the drawing on my wall, so that every morning I can be reminded of my own rebirth.

April.

You come up to me when I’m alone, attempting to accuse me of things I haven’t done. I have become tired of these circles we used to run around in. So this time I am able to tell you to leave me. I am trembling with fearful but I manage to shove away the shakes and I stand up for myself. Afterwards I realize how strong I have become.

May.

I work hard for my exams so that next year I can leave this suffocating city and you behind in it. I want to badly to be able to study in old libraries with good coffee and good friends. I want to be free from the shackles of routine and familiarity.

June.

I no longer cry myself to sleep or search for relief at the bottom of my medicine drawer. In fact I am thankful for what you have taught me about myself. By throwing me so far away from myself. I was able to scowl my way back to who I was, bringing along all the self discoveries too. I used to them to fix that hole you left in my chest.

Think on year.

Think peace.

About the author

Smile_somehow
Smile_somehow

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