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I can not write what’s left of me on this blank paper
glowering me remorselessly like I might bring danger
It’s not letting me get closer, thinks I am a stranger
How can I make her believe that I am her manger?

I’ve no emotions left but I am still the same person
I always reach out to her before things worsen
Like a dispersant, she used to tear the pain apart
Forestalled my heart to break apart into million parts

It is not Aphantasia but my mind is completely blind
I’ve got a lot of memories but some are hard to find
That kind person who left me behind comes to my mind
when I entwine my thoughts together for peace of mind

Sometimes the drugs & booze I used helped me get loose
My skills disused but new relationships it introduced
Produced good vibes and the ceaseless pain it reduced
When I knew it seduced me, I myself became a recluse

Sitting alone all nights, I kept staring at walls all times
Back to back sleepless nights made me feel less at times
Dark drowsy days are long; To no one, I talk sometimes
Feels I’m worthless when I make the same word rhyme

Many times I tried to write something I haven’t said yet.
A pen, a paper, and Em’s music blaring through my headset
With the same mindset & no metaphors & similes as assets.
I bellyflopped into Ocean of Words with a broken drift net.

I dove into The Twilight Zone which many times I’ve visited
Coming back I realized the resources I’ve got is limited.
Lack of fresh ideas; My thoughts have been skilleted
Should I quit now? I know I lack the skills I once exhibited

Not a single thing in my life is happening in my favor
Now I find it so hard to pour my heart out onto a paper
Empty journals & inkless pens made a gigantic crater
deep in my soul & I wish to see those scars heal later

Once I used to listen to the sound of my heartbeats
I wrote to its rhythm to complete the blank sheets
That music is gone, the sound of bare silence repeats
Now my fate rides my life so I moved to the backseat

I know why my heart does not make any more sound
Gave it to someone I care but it was thrown to the ground
It got broken and in unbearable pain, it drowned
I found it, but it won’t live enough for another round

I’m amid people who never believed in what I do or did
Some used me as a bait, some chewed me up like a squid
When I saw their real faces which under a mask they hid
they got rid of the friendship they had with me but I lived

Like all Geminis, I too have two beings living inside of me
A benevolent human & a malevolent alien who disagrees
and gainsays every single word before I say and oversees
and enslaves the human me and never let him ride free.

I keep second guessing everything that I have done
Better options keep coming out of me one by one
And it leaves me foreboded, manacled and shunned
Afraid of failures, from everything and everyone I run

All these deterrents have made a very big difference
My efferent thoughts no longer get the deference
And all words they deserve evolve as a bunch of rhymes
in a new set of lines saying the same story oftentimes.

So I kept running till I couldn’t hear those million opinions
I’m sitting alone in The Grand Canyon holding a fanion
To conquer The Tower of Ra, I don’t need a companion
But I saw something hurt & wounded- A Black Stallion

I’m that boy who rescued & befriended The Black Stallion.
Now I’m gonna ride it and my fate can sit on the pillion
That alien & the million opinions can watch me from pavilion
becoming the mighty champion & take home the medallion.

About the author

jordan

Insta: themarsbeing

Author of 'Cursed: A poetry chapbook'.
Now available on Amazon-
http://amzn.to/2yB9Uim

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