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Escuridão

Starting everyday with a smile is a lot harder than it sounds.

I ask myself most days, am I really living?
Or do I just exist?

I often have thoughts that tell me I’m not good enough.
No matter how hard I try to escape these thoughts…they won’t quit.

Deep down, I know I am better than the dark thoughts that invade my mind.
So, why do I get so concerned about my flaws and the things that I lack?

I try to be happy but the dark side of me keeps showing it’s ugly self.
Looking at me, most people would never know I have a long history or self sabotage and abuse.
My whole life I have been numb and confused.

It’s about damn time I wake up and tell my demons to shut the fuck up.

I used to have thoughts of self-harm.
I felt like I would get a little relief if I just cut my own arm.
I deserved it…for the pain I caused.
Without darkness inside of me, I feel like I am lost.

I want to be happy.
I really do.
But my pain manifests itself into a place so empty.
I am too numb now to navigate my way out.

You see, darkness and me are attached at the hip.
It clings to me and I cling back.
The darkness in me is like a drug I can’t quit.

Happiness for me is a long and winding road I am still traveling through.
I could ask somebody for a road map but what good would that do?

No one understands my pain.
They can’t see that I am broken from the inside out.
That there is a real sadness in my pout.

I often wear a fake smile on my face.
I feel like I have to stay in hiding.
I have tried to be happy but my fears are abiding.

No one wants to deal with a soul as dark as mine.
I have a hard time trusting people and letting them in.
If I let you get close, you are one of the few.

Like flies on a carcass, dark thoughts swarm through my head.
Somedays I have thought, I would be better off dead.

Happiness is a feeling I have only experienced for short periods of time.
I wonder if one day if I will find true happiness that is mine.

Would I know the feeling of happiness though, if it came knocking on my door?
When I come face to face with real happiness.
I hope it’s not something I ignore.

I want to stand tall and choose to be happy.
Despite my mistakes and downfalls.
That is something I am still learning how to do.
Somedays I feel like a baby still learning how to crawl.

I told the dark side of me to leave long ago.
Yet, it hangs on to what is left of me.
It won’t get a clue.

Maybe, I’m still holding on too tight.
I need to try harder if I ever want to see the light.

I think I like to remain mysterious and perplexing.
Hide myself from others.
Keep them guessing. Like a sleuth.

My mental illness makes me stagger and afraid to talk to strangers.
People tell me I am strange.
They don’t get that poets are prone to things like depression and anxiety.
That there is a cost for creativity.

Some people have called me bi-polar.
Others call me insane.
Unless you are a doctor.
Please, don’t diagnose me.

I’ve tried it all.
Pills and therapy.
Self help books, meditation and prayer.
I still haven’t found the answer.
Sometimes I swear I am getting more crazy as the days go by.
Other times I am just fine.

I won’t give up.
It may be a long journey to be happy.
But I know it will be worth the wait.
Besides I don’t know how much more darkness I can take.

Darkness is the absence of light by definition.
But for me, it is also a condition.

I am tired of being in a constant downward state and reliving all my mistakes.

I deserve to be happy after all I have been through.
Happiness doesn’t come easy for me.
I doubt it ever will.

It’s something I have to work on.
To strive for all the time.
I grow tired of telling people I am fine.
I want to choose to be happy even on the bad days.
To wear a smile that isn’t fake.
To distance myself from anger and hate.

I refuse to wallow in my own self pity.
I’m living in depression town but I long to visit the happy and bustling city.

It is a process that is difficult.
I sometimes wonder if I will make it out okay on the other end.

But on the flip side of darkness.
Happiness is still waiting for me.
Accepting the invitation is all up to me.

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