Too Fat [TW]

I’m too fat for an eating disorder.
That’s what I tell myself.
When I look into the mirror and see myself,
It isn’t the stereotypical obese woman,
Looking from the eyes of a lanky, dying girl.
No, I see the 1 point over healthy BMI.
I see the flaws in my body no one else notices.
And my days fluctuate.
I go from binge to starve with no middle ground.
And when I eat, I tell myself:
“I’m too fat to have an eating disorder.”
When the next day I hate myself over 180 calories.
The fact I’ve only dropped 30 pounds in five months,
But I dropped it by not eating.
The fact I’m stuck at this weight,
That pizza and bread gives me the most anxiety,
Yet when I binge it’s my safety.
Then I look at the scale and I regret every food I once ate.
How did I get this bad?
I surround myself with toxins,
Inhale nicotine to dull the cravings in my stomach,
Telling myself I’m not hungry,
Ignore the growling of my body.
And still I think to myself:
“I’m too fat to have an eating disorder.”

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