On Waking up this Morning

I had a hard time waking up today,
I couldn’t find the confidence.
I didn’t want to go to work.
I only wanted more sleep,
so that maybe I could continue
dreaming of you.
I can’t believe I held your ashes
just last week,
just like I couldn’t believe
I was baring your pall
just a few months ago.
I couldn’t believe how heavy you were
In both cases.
The latter being the most world shattering
event I’ve ever known,
because four men as young as us-
we shouldn’t have had to bear that weight.
We weren’t quite strong enough,
and I’m still not strong enough
to bare the weight of your absence.
I held the world in my hands,
and I do every time I pick up a picture of you.
That’s the weight that shatters worlds.
I’ve known it too many times-
my world has ended too many times,
The ideal world in which my family is a given,
and no one is driven apart by change.
The sort of change that makes me not want to get out of bed.
That world shattering change that is so heavy it even makes it hard to find confidence in God.

I’ve held my beautiful sister in my arms for twenty three years, we were never too long apart.
I held her in my thoughts when she was struggling with addiction.
I held her in high esteem when she got clean,
and I held her in the highest as my hero my whole life.
I held her hair for an eternity at her wake,
I held her casket with all my strength,
and I held her ashes for the first time
just last week.
I had a dream of her this morning as I woke,
and all I wanted was to live in that dream.
That ideal world where we could be together,
both with my father again.
But that world I dreamt of is over-
Her world is over
My father’s world is over,
and while I’m still here
I can barely find the strength in bed to roll back over.

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