why now

it looks pretty to my

blurry eyes

and i can see nothing

but pale pink and deep

blue skies

with big fat evergreen firs

that canopy over us

their limbs looking like they stick together

the needles all molding

as one

and

it’s so beautiful here

and you ask me

why i came

and all i can think about is

why had i never come earlier

before this

before everything

was

twisted into nothingness

before everything became just a

sillhouette

of who can get high faster

who can smoke a cigarette faster

who can kill themselves faster

before the world kills us

and you ask me

if i think things are meant to be

and i want to whisper your name

onto your tongue

and say

yes

you were meant to be because

i know that that is what

you are really wondering

and i ask you

if you believe things are meant to be

and you say no

and the word boils

in my throat

because you mean

i was not meant to be

and now i am scared

now i am lost

breathless and holding

onto blurred lines

that i can’t cross

and i’m waving hello

as you’re screaming goodbye

and all that comes to mind

is why now

why after all of us

why after everything

why not earlier

before i was close to you

why not before

everything twisted into nothingness

blood drips like honey

slowly swallowing me whole

and you, you beg for it to be faster

because the faster it happens

the less time we spend on this

disaster

that is me

and the sky is painting itself gray

with teal undertones

and all i can say

is that you were meant to be

and i wish you could see

what my blurry eyes see

when i look at your dark eyes

that have stared into the belly of hell

i yearn to save you

but i need saving myself

so perhaps we could save eachother

and perhaps

i will mean more to you someday

more than just a name

that sits on your tongue

like an unfamiliar flavor

more than nothing

and i can see colors

with my blurry eyes

and you

are a brilliant orange

screaming with hope

and darkened by pain

and i want to save you

but you do not feel the same

so let’s just walk

under these stretching limbs

and share our memories

with vivid translations

so that it feels like

we’ve known eachother our whole lives

because it feels like i’ve known you

my whole life

and i know you were meant to be