He never left

When it’s raining I like to think of him.

His memory comes back like the cold wind of a November thunderstorm.

The smell of dead grass and rain

Reminds me of that cologne

That he bought at a discount store

Just a few miles out of town,

And it just lingered on him ever since then;

Smoke and coconut on his skin

Reminds me of an old place that i used to call home.

Weather like this i can hear

The flick of his lighter,

Echoed in thunder.

I can almost picture him sitting in the door jam

In rainstorms at 3 in the morning

In his faded jeans and chunky sweater,

Looking out into the night like he was seeing something just beyond the clouds.

And i like that image that I have of him,

The one where he never left.

His smile was a flash of lighting,

For one moment it would light up my world

And his laugh the crack of thunder

Just before he knocked a tree on my heart.

Thoroughly shattering me into pieces.

It’s November

And it’s raining

And i miss him

So i make sure to grab a cup of coffee

And pull out that unused cigarette

That i keep hidden under my socks;

Tucked away for moments like this..

And i sit with it in my mouth unlit

With a steaming cup of coffee

Listening to the rain because it kind of sounds like him breathing next to me.

Nobody knows that i still think of him in the rain

They don’t know

There’s a spot for him in my heart

They don’t know that i still have his sweater

And i wear it when i miss him.

Or that

Sometimes i can hear him

Telling me about house he hadn’t slept in a few days

Because why sleep when you can read.

I can hear his laughing about how

Today as always today if you haven’t gone to sleep

So Tuesday and Wednesday

And Wednesday and Tuesday.

Weather like this makes the ghost of him

Visible, down to the shaking hands

And red rimmed eyes

That seemed like they always

Had a tear just waiting to fall.

But that’s all it is.

A ghost.

A fleeting memory

That comes when it rains in November.

Well today it’s wet

And it’s dark

And there’s coffee brewing.

I’m thinking of him as a Joshua Riordan song plays in the background.

Because to me he never left

To me he’s always with me

To me he’s always next to me

With a cigarette

And a cup of coffee

And a knit sweater

And he’s telling me that stars are wishes.

And that wishes are just hopes of love drunk fool’s

Well today it’s cloudy

And there are no stars for me to wish on like the love drunk fool that I am.

I’m hoping that he will come back to me.

He doesn’t need to tell me where he’s been

And I won’t tell him how bad I’ve missed him,

I’ll just open up the door

And we will sit in the jam and share a smoke even though I don’t smoke anymore.

And it will be like he never left.

 

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