I Finally Stopped Fighting

You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you

That’s true

But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn’t too bad
That loving you made loving myself worth it

When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface
Things I couldn’t change, or maybe I could
I don’t know

I couldn’t stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn’t stop my mom from hitting him for four hours

I couldn’t stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her
Everyone says it’s not my fault
But
If I was the only thing she was living for
Why is she dead?

These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you
Here I am with the same thoughts once again
But with no shotgun
And no you

Because the thing I didn’t want you to hear
The thing I didn’t want to face
Was that I was dying loving you
Because you didn’t love some
So I wasn’t worth loving myself
I was better off dead

So I write to the memory I have of you
Again
To tell you I’m so sorry
I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair
It was unfair to you
Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me
Changed my thoughts about you & I
I still love you
Even when you never loved me
I pray you are free
I hope you’re in love
And maybe you think of me
Our memories
Its all okay
I’m okay

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