Can you go on living like you are?
Don’t you get sick of the rejection,loneliness, being unwanted wherever you go?
Another door in my face – JUST GO!
when I wish to prove better.
They all wish it too
But display themselves as untrusting&cruel – faithlessness
I’ve lost hope in me too.
From having hopes & dreams to wanting to die after the next hoot, then I shoot up
Closer to my demise, I overdose, it was no surprise.
Weighs on my efforts to get better
Why can’t I take my last breath and be gone forever..
You know, I wish I never left them, or tried that first drug, but recovering addicts even know that one time means you’re already done.
A punishment in itself, they say “one day at a time”
I spend so much time wishing I could be who I was, before the drugs took hold of me
Addiction ate me up whole and now the loves in your life took the toll
Memories of who I was, I count the hours whenever I’m giving sobriety & withdrawals a chance, in another institution.
Till I feel good enough to go.
Did I get enough people to drop off money for things I know I won’t actually be paying for.
Anxious and desperate, I lay in wait
Can’t I just be cured from this horrible hell I can’t escape.
Feeling cooped up, planning my escape now, I’m getting outta here. There’s no stopping me, I hate when they try to talk me down.
Wishing life would let me go
Why do I keep coming back feeling more empty as I go.
We all know when I leave before my time, there’s no stopping me, I am selfish & weak when those thoughts creep in. I need to be alone to curb my instinct to dip.
She gives into her demons, all that she knows & she knows she has those babies wondering about her everywhere she goes… wishing she could just be who she was…but she gives into what she knows over what is worth the work to get back that heart you once had. Her heart is still there…but she isn’t forgiving easy..
Damage she caused..
Her biggest dream
Her desire.
They say I was already on my way to the next relapse before I left
A pause – because it feels good to be numb – take a deep breath girl because you already made your mistakes
Why do you think your no good to get better, that the world your stuck in will kill you in time then.
Yes, this drug is a monster
Takes your whole life now bigger then my whole world now,
Bigger then myself, my ability to fight it. I may never wake up if I don’t fight hard for it.
As my time fades away and longer gets longer…
I don’t even believe you people even loved me.
They wonder..will she ever make it back? That old girl, the hard worker, the one solid like a rock. When did she ever fall apart?
IL tell you it hurts more then you know..living in this existence without your kids…as they grow.
I didn’t stop caring, I just got lost.
My heart is broken, I was giving up at one time, at a loss…
No it never feels good cause I keep letting them down & I’m gone again…for longer, I suppose.
I know they wish I would finally come around, can mom be fixed? Scared she’ll never come back to town.
I need no effort to even hear from them. Till I’m what’s best, what they deserve
A mother who chose her children over drugs, relapse again? Haven’t I laid it to rest?
All my fault I wish you didn’t have to suffer knowing me, the mom who is missing out on your upbringing. My opinion, my care, what you need….
They all think I don’t care about my kids now
But why can’t I escape, why did these drugs ever take hold? – shes not having fun, the sleeping, robbing, the loss..
Trying to always make more for drugs…jeez won’t she give it up..it’s been 2 years
Maybe if I forgive myself but that’s not what I really wish for…I wish I had to endure suffering forever for all the pain I cause before.
Maybe one day I shall, but today I go through a living hell.
One day may I find you ‘sobriety’ you will be held dearest. & should I ever be so lucky..I won’t let you go because I want to try my hardest.
But then I never do whats right, why can’t I do what’s right for my kids, myself? When I keep carrying the burden of going back to you… drugs.
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