If I were a goldfish
Swimming within the confines of
A foot-long fishbowl,
miles away from any true body of water,
I would have more freedom than
what you give me.
The unrelenting grip you have around my neck
could choke the world into admitting it was flat,
but I know even shaking the heavens like that could not satisfy you.
Try as I might
my cries never reach your stubborn ears,
a smarter man might realize they are just for show,
that you cannot hear the world around you,
you merely speak your will and expect the world to bow down.
The fire that burns behind my eyes when I look at you
might end the life of any other man,
your only immunity is simply that you never see me.
You gaze in my direction,
yet only the slight obstacle in your highway to heaven alerts you to my presence.
Watchman,
what fucking watchman are you.
This gum on the bottom of my shoe
So powerful I am completely stuck in place,
Watching as you swell up and over my laces,
traveling up my legs and stretching across my chest.
My ribs splintering, cracking under the immense pressure
you place upon me.
Try as I might I cannot even scream
as your power consumes and kills my spirit.
Your presence in my life assures
that if there is a heaven I will never make it past the gates,
what place is there for me
if I am but a shell without a soul.
You who are the bane of my existence,
you who have been notorious throughout my life
but only through the people who cannot change my circumstances,
they simply spread your terrifying gospel,
scared to come to my home and rescue me from this darkness.
I pray I can conquer this suffocating pressure one day,
that I might live long enough to work up to my own expectations,
and to burn yours in the hottest fire that has ever cursed this ancient earth.
I want to hurt you so deeply that your iron heart explodes out of your unshaven chest,
oh, how I dream of making your dry eyes cry this world a river of sorrow.
How I dream of screaming out my hate for you at the top of my lungs,
letting the terrifying howl of a thousand tortured men pierce your eardrums
as I preach of all the terrible acts you’ve committed.
Of having my firstborn child, and never letting you
lay one of your beady little eyes upon them.
Of not inviting you to the most important days of my life.
Of leaving you,
of all of us leaving you,
cold and alone in this empty house.
To die in deafening quiet from the tar
In your lungs sometime in your seventies.
Go!
Leave now!
Before my terrifying plans never come to fruition,
Before I never carry any of it out,
Because I am a better man than you.
I will keep my fantasies just that,
And I will leave.
You who has made me feel smaller than the worms
writhing through their own shit in my backyard.
You are the burden to my gift of life.
You whose only present has been this ungodly depression
I call my own.
You who have taught me to take up as little space as I can
In the lives of others, for god knows I am unworthy of any person’s love.
If I were a man with time
I could spend my entire life filling every page in the world
With hatred and the terrible stories, you have sewn into my life.
But I am only human,
my time on this earth is limited,
so I will never forgive, but I will forget.
with all the unsaid horror that resides in my mind,
I will part from you with this,
forever I pray,
F U C K
Y O U.
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