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My life is a hike.

The moon rests in the sky outside my window, I am already awake and out the door,

The trail I wish to climb, beckons to my soul.

A long awaited expedition.

I am driving well before the first ray of sun kisses my face,

The long drive ahead, I must beat the sun.

A head start on my journey, 

A full bottle of medicine rattles with the jolts of my car,

The sound rings in my head, but I must focus.

For it is just one day without them…

I am faster than normal, the shaky jolts of my hands and feet as I steer the car,

Well above the speed limit.

Every second that goes by, is a minute lost.

The company of this trail, like a long lost childhood friend, I’ve never been able to fully enjoy its company.

My body aches for its completion, an effort long abhorred,

I will finish it, the ambition and motivation courses through my every movement.

As I park, the sun warms my face with its shallow glow.

I grab my few things and haste to the trail,

I have no time to lose.

I start up the trail, but a sign blocking my way forces me to read,

“Beware, sudden end to trail, if you are otherwise unprepared, turn back!”

I barely comprehend, for no matter will block from this trail’s completion.

If I must, like shiva, I will destroy this land to make a path, I will make this summit.

This trail, open to the world, no obstacles.

A quick pace I set, I will be there by nightfall.

A hike, the cold air burning my nose and lungs,

Sweat drips down my face,

and my legs, like a windup toy, will run relentlessly till I am done.

I will not slow, I can not, the summit is seemingly inches away from my fingertips, 

I burn, I have not slowed and will never.

This trail winds and winds to a dusty end, my hard and arms a shield now.

I hardly slow, a flash of the sign in my memory,

Briars and thistles slowly surround me.

They scrape and cut my arms and legs.

A burn and pain that only motivates me,

Compared to my ambition, this is but a scrape on my knee.

I make it 11 miles before the night falls,

I halt in pure shock.

So much to go and it is already night!

I look for a clearing that is not there.

I flatten the brush and lay down.

The spikes piercing my back as I try to sleep.

I will not notice the blood trailing down my legs.

I lay, the pain reaching through my body to my mind.

I wince, I must sleep, get this night done through.

But I am unable to sleep, I toss and turn my head.

The night falls on me like an empty blanket.

The animals, the birds, they’re watching me, to no end,

Every turn of their body and step of their feet shake my soul.

I am barren and empty, unprepared for this nightfall.

Finally I am asleep, the paresthesia creeping up my body.

I dream a terror, the sound and feeling of animals eating at my exposed flesh,

Having a meal of me and licking and my cuts

Now I am awake, but paralysis of sleep holds me down.

The small feeling of needles at my legs rise,

It is a blood curdling scream compared to my pain.

Now, the morning, the sun releases me from the night,

I am too scared to look at my legs.

A pain like a bat to my shins with every step I take,

For the fear of what I thought was a dream might eb reality.

I run, I sprint, the terrors of this place have an end.

The summit, I am but 2 miles away, a run will have me there.

I see ahead, only the thickening of the endless tunnel of thorns,

The pain that echoes my body, my only comfort and motivator.

I will not stop.

There is no other option,

I see the fall of the trees, of the beginning of light.

I sprint, my arms building momentum for my exhausted body.

Cuts begin to open on my clothes and arms,

The pain motivates me more still, a pleasure against the endlessness of my mind

I run to the edge of the mountain, a cliff greets me.

I look out, I stand on the summit, it welcomes me with the warm sun.

I sit down, and take in this sight.

The blood draining onto the stone I lay,

I become dizzy and laugh.

But it does not stop.

The laughter takes me over and I drain and drain yet…

For I am god! Nothing will end me except by my discretion!

I slip…

I fall down for ages as a ragdoll body hits the side of the mountain.

I lay at the bottom, wheezing and laughing.

My body lays mangled and contorted under the shadow of this mountain.

I will not stop! Laughter eating away at my body!

For I am god!


This hike, my life,

The mania looms over me and takes over my soul.

I will complete anything I want.

For this trail I so blindly followed,

The rats ate at me, the lacerations wrapped around me like a swaddled child.

I am nothing but a rotting corpse, another pile to be claimed by the forest.

For my medicine, I did not take today

“It is just one day”

The mantra of my life as everyday goes by.

The sullen depression after a manic craze will eat at my mind till there is nothing left.

Like the storm of a sailor, greybeards of terror till it all clears in a second


Then, like clockwork, the mania will consume me, driving me to my delusional ends, simply for the depression to feast on. Like clockwork, so the next has a victim to lay down and butcher.

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