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Such Is Life

When it comes to women
my life has never been that well.
I used to advertise myself
and on my tee shirt wrote.
(Front) Help me please.
(Back) Take me home I
make a good bed warmer.
Sadly, no takers came forward
and I wondered why
after all I was always good
at making a hot water bottle.
Such if life I guess.

Then I thought if you got it, flaunt it
and the police could not stop laughing
when they arrested me,
but they still gave me six months
for my try.
Finally, I managed to take a girl home with me,
but the parrot escaped and landed in her lap.
She did not like feathered friends
and she never came back after that.
Such is life I guess.

Nothing I did seem to work
in attracting a mate.
I went to funerals hoping to catch a widow’s eye,
but when one thought I was a corpse,
and tried to put me in the box with her departed,
I gave up after that.
I just could not understand why
women did not like me
after all I dressed like them
with a skirt and pinnie.
Such is life I guess.

I advertised in the newspapers
and my advert read
a man in need of a woman.
He is clever and witty
and is house trained as well.
I only had one reply
from a woman who said
I am pretty and petite
and I am only twenty-four.

We married in the month of June
and everything went well until it came to go to bed.
First, she unscrewed her leg and then her arm.
She then took out her glass eye
and her false teeth as well.
When she finished scraping off the make-up
my ravishing beauty of twenty-four
looked like an old hag of ninety-four.

Such is life such is my life.
Now I am left with a wife in the bed
and most of her bits on the floor.

26 November 2009