Every day is like a challenge,
Every day seems so tough.
Feeling of eyes at the back of my neck.
Feeling of being constantly watched.
But they don’t stare.
They don’t even share a look.
But fear of tripping over
Or someone pushing me for a laugh,
Is clearing my way to insanity.
The knowledge of all the hate and cruelty,
The fear of embarrassment.
I’m hiding as if I know what they think,
As if they all want to do me harm.
But do they, really?
But do they even care?
Do they even see me?
Friendliness seems like a threat to me,
Kindness like a deep cut.
Letting my hair down, being free
Seems like an impossible task.
People always pass me
As I sit alone.
They might not know it,
But I always watch them.
Judging them and classifying them,
Placing them all in one category,
But never admitting that not all of them fit.
I’m such a hypocrite,
Because I long so badly
Not to be judged myself.
I’m aware that fears are there,
For you to overcome.
But I don’t have the knowledge to succeed.
So, another day, another week
And even months go by
As I sit alone, quiet, unnoticed
And misunderstood.
I feel the pressure behind my eyes,
As I’m afraid to make
An eye contact of any kind.
Whenever I do meet someones gaze,
My eyes fumingly search out the floor
As if programmed to support my irrational fears.
Words always vanish before I get the chance to speak
My mind plays tricks on me.
“That’s just an act they play,
They want you to collapse,
They’ll own the last laugh” – it says
My own reassurance is not enough.
Nor my friends nor family’s.
Speak up, god damn it!
But no sound leaves my mouth,
Even though I’m screaming inside.
All my senses ,
Helping my mind to play it’s twisted games
