I (Don’t) Want To Believe

I want to believe in things outside of myself.

I want to believe

That maybe I’m not just walking inside the light of a projector throwing up images on a classroom screen

That there are entities and higher beings to answer questions that I can’t answer myself and that I will one day become one of them, with all of the answers at hand for someone else.

I want to believe.

The biggest lie I have ever been told is that our bond is stronger because of all of the things we have been through together,

But now I can’t even remember what those things are.

I want to believe that if we set up a cliche coffee shop conversation that we would click again, become one again, build that bond again.

I want to believe that my beliefs aren’t scattered,

That they aren’t butterflies that I have to pin behind glass.

I wanted to believe in everything outside of me, and now I only want to believe in me.

My beliefs are blurry clouds just beyond my reach,

I want to pluck the butterflies from the sky and pin them behind glass and hang them on the walls of my stomach like trophies from every bond I’ve broken.

I want to suck in everything that was once outside of me and believe it is all in my mind, no, in my brain, because I don’t want to think of nonphysical things.

I want to feel solid and whole because my fingertips are getting too far out of reach and I can’t tell when my eyes are looking straightforward.

I want to pull the ground in through my mouth and let it sink to my feet and from my pores I hope I start growing trees.

I want to feel full because right now, I’m an empty box in a messy room

I want to drink all of Earth’s water and feel it fill my lungs, which is funny because I have always been afraid of drowning.

I want to hover above my bed because I’m exhausted from feeling my heart beat under these sheets

I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and I want to know what it feels like to know I could dream forever

And mostly, I want to know what it feels like to be better and stay better, with my mind clear and my path clear, with my beliefs steady and my heart steady,

To know what a bond that won’t break feels like

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