I think , maybe in a past life.. I might have been a lady of the night. Maybe in the early 1900s even. An alluring demeanor , silk fabrics on the skin, a delicate scent . A natural eye for picking out who would be my next adventure. Someone who would see me , want me, and pay top dollar to have me . I would have been irresistible , the ultimate prize, but knowing what I am , there would be no emotional attachment. We would have our fun, indulge in the fantasy , and in the morning he would return to whatever life was convincing him that he wasn’t a bad man. And myself, well , ladies of the night would need their rest.
I say that because that is what my love life feels like. I have a natural eye for seeing just the right guy , but then , it reaches a point where I either feel like i need to put up a wall so that I don’t break my own heart, or it becomes a dull platonic relationship .
Him though, he , he feels different. And there is really no right way of putting it . He is the kind of man that you feel like you need to step your own shit up for . Usually it is the man that needs to get his life together in order to feel worthy of the female is pursing . But him , he is the kind of guy that when you pray , you pray over him , and you ask God to keep him focused on his journey , to keep him safe, to keep him with a clean heart, and to prepare you for him . Honestly , its like , I can see where he is in life, and his drive and ambition , the things he carry’s that he doesn’t talk about , and it makes me feel like , damn , i don’t even want to talk to you until i feel like I can match your energy !
There are hot and cold moments though. Moments when it feels like he cares & genuinely wants to see me win . But more times then not, there is a vacancy between us. A kind of energy that I have felt before. It comes when only part of the question asked, is answered . Or when too much time without a word has passed. That’s when my wall comes up . The examination between his past behavior starts to show a comparison to his present. ” I can tell when he is really into me , because I wake up to a text, I get a ‘ go get em ‘ word of encouragement before my meeting. ” my inner dialogue starts to carry on .. ” he always hits me before bed, and asks how my day is going , but not a word , all day , ”
I feel like Issa , when she hypes herself in the bathroom mirror ” You are a bad bitch , stop playing yourself “. Being your own hype man has its advantages. You really have got to break this pattern , falling for , entertaining, allowing detached, emotionally unavailable, different time zone men to make it past your wall . Boundaries, is a better word. Is boundary wall an option ? Yes, today it is . Boundary wall is now in effect.
What is yours, is never fleeting. The universe knows what you need , when you need it .
Just wish the Universe would sprinkle some clarity with it.
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